Downplay-itis…Effects & Cure…Because Love Awaits You

downplayitis

Within my circle, it has been discussed how men are intimidated by a strong woman who has herself together and sing Beyonce’ songs like “Who Run the World”. As the conversation looms on, I hear women with brains and beauty saying they will downplay their higher education and/or accomplishments (i.e. Master’s degrees, PhDs, CEOs, lead engineers, etc.)  I myself can say I am guilty of this awful disease; I will call Downplay-itis (an inflamed down play of yourself).  I have accomplished great things along life’s journey, but feel I must downplay myself so as to not be intimidating.

Here are the Top Side Effects and Cures for Downplay-itis AKA Downplaying Yourself:

  1. Side Effect: You are not offering your true self. You are constantly acting, rehearsing your lines and hoping to get it right. Cure: On a first date, maybe even a second date, don’t go into a whole resume submittal detailing all of your degrees and/or accomplishments. Though some dates are similar to an interview..the whole getting to know you thing, THIS IS NOT AN INTERVIEW! Yes. You are the bomb.com. But NO. Do not give it all away on the first date –intellectually or physically. While I am in no way saying be ashamed of all you’ve done, I am saying hit the highlights then allow your date to interject. If asked for further details, by all means expound and share. Allow it to all happen organically.
  2. Side Effect: Downplay-itis, while dating, will potentially carry over into your professional life as well. After an interview, how many times have you wished you would have mentioned all those great attributes you possess and accomplishments you have achieved? Well my friend, THIS IS THE TIME! Cure: Write out every magnificently awesome thing about yourself as well as the things you want to improve and/or achieve. Figure out which to offer up on a date and which are best for landing that job! Too much work? Well look at some of your past failed dates and past interviews then get back to me and tell me how it could have been better. Put in the time to knowing yourself better. This may be the very thing you need to lead you to your greatest opportunities to grow in various areas of your life. This is a great lead in for the third side effect.
  3. Side Effect: You stunt your own personal growth and you merely exist. For a butterfly to become the beautiful creature that is meant, it must go through stages (known as metamorphosis). Though there may be more for you to achieve, it may be hard to see the path to get there if you are downplaying the path you have already travelled for the sake of being “the right woman” for a gent. How can you go through the needed growth stages to become the woman you desire if you do not own the woman you presently are? Cure: Acknowledge and Accept that you are a woman of many accomplishments –some big, some not as big. Nevertheless, they are YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS! For me, I worked two jobs and paid for grad school out of my own pockets. So when and if the topic comes up…uhhh yeah!..I’m gonna enthusiastically tell you about that experience, but will always remain humble (Also see the first side effect).
  4. Side Effect: You miss out on your gifts. Don’t mistake the companionship of a significant other as the main gift. Downplay-itis will cause you to miss out on the gift of being inspiring to yourself and most importantly –inspiring to others! There is someone needing to hear and know what and how you have achieved all that you have thus far. However, when one suffers from Downplay-itis, this person’s achievements will either be viewed as trivial and/or not worth obtaining. In turn, an additional side effect will ensue, where an onlooker may become deterred from his/her own path of greatness. Cure: Be true to who you are. You never know whose watching and taking notes.

Let’s enter this “Love Month” (aka February) with the mantra “The gent in my presence will choose to either be proud or intimidated. It is not for me to choose his degree of comfort within himself so as to accept the comfort I have with myself.”

Sincerely,

Your Restyled Mom…who is applying The Cure

The Intense Facts Why Some Single Moms Don’t Want to be Married!

As we enter this month of love , my thoughts quickly turn to dating, being single and most importantly- being a mom (who just so happens to be single).

I have reached my thirties, have a beautiful daughter, a nice home and make a decent living. In comparing my life as a single woman without a kiddo to my current life as a single woman with a kid, I see the differences between what I want, what I need, and the healthy balance between the two.  However, I don’t have one thing -a husband.  Unfortunately, I have friends who tend to remind me about my non-husband factor. 

These friends feel with each closer move to the 40 club, there is an pressing need for me to be married -hence the dating game aka the “set up” commences.  Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way opposed to being set up on a blind date. What I am opposed to is the attempt to set me up based solely on a number soon approaching. I am opposed to comments such as, “You’re not getting any younger”; “You’re so picky and won’t ever get married”; or my favorite “He’s not all that attractive but no one is at your doorstep sooo…”. Yes, these are just a few of the insensitive lines I get to hear.  They even go so far as to say, “I thought you would’ve been married by now.” -as if they are questioning what I have done wrong along the way.  I have even found myself saying to one ‘friend’, “Excuse me, I didn’t know I should have kept entertaining the guy who failed to mention he had a wife!”  I presume since it wasn’t the air ripped from her lungs, it’s such a hard thing to remember.

This is what I want these “friends” to allow to resonate in their souls.

  1. I am not some desperate woman who will simply settle on a man with a pulse. I am first, a mom; and second to that is my being single.
  2. It is my daughter who is watching me and looking to me for guidance. It is my daughter whom I cherish and whom I will protect. To these ‘friends’ who think more of my age, I implore you to think less of my age and more of my child, myself, and OUR well being. Think of what will be in our best interest instead of the credit you want to take for setting the new Mr. & Mrs. ‘Us’ up or the speech you want to give at the wedding. wp_ss_20160121_0003
  3. Dig a little deeper in your little “Millionaire Matchmaker, Patty Stanger” set her up role and actually THINK of someone who is BEST for me and I for him.

To my friends who met their soul mates when you all were twelve years old and now are “living the dream”, I wish you the best. I sincerely do. I only ask one thing of you

When you think of me and the next blind date/set up/match making…whatever you want to call it, think about the fact that I have a daughter watching my every move. Think about my heart and how it has been broken so many times.  Now, think about the heart I have to protect (besides my own).  It’s not that I have no desire to be married, but tell me…should I wait or just go on your impulsive, “she needs to get married so let me set her up” …date?

Sincerely,

A Restyled Mom…who just so happens to be single…and willing to WAIT!

 

Broke, Busted and Disgusted

Those who know me, know that I am a single parent, working off one income and making it work with the rocks that were thrown at me.  Okay, maybe it wasn’t rocks; but some days, it sure felt like it.  Though I am blessed with an awesome family and great friends, I must admit that my pride gets in the way some times.  I guess I think to myself everyone has his/her own set of issues.  There is no need in me being an added issue –especially where money is concerned.  Though some may not want to admit it, money has a way of driving a wedge between people.  Be it a family member or a friend, when money gets involve2c8bae4311f19b8b27efaa7a6f9c2253d, it can sometimes get tricky, awkward or just downright ugly.

I think my breaking point came when I looked at my bank account and thought to myself “if I lost my job tomorrow, we would ONLY make it one month.”  I assure you within that same month I would have to  my home and reluctantly move in with my parents.  This was when I knew I had to get serious about my finances.  Now, I have never been one to just spend money for the sake of spending it.  On the contrary, I was always looking at ways to make my money grow.  However, it was not growing, and my savings account looked like a high school student’s first bank account.  This alone brought me to tears.  My thoughts quickly turned to taking care of my daughter, as well as questioning what type of money habits were I passing down to her.  What financial legacy was I creating?

Unfortunately, my parents never really sat down and discussed money matters with me.  I guess they figured there was not a need since I wasn’t a big spender.  On the other hand, I also was not a big saver.  It was time to start telling my money how it needed to work for me; instead of me constantly working for my money.  It was also time for me to get my kiddo on the early path to financial success.

Within 8 months and with dedication, I finished paying my student loan debt AND paid off my credit card!  Talk about beginning to walk in debt freedom.  Yes, I still have other debts to demolish, but I am working the plan!  Every dollar has a home.  No more getting to the grocery store counter and praying the debit card is accepted because I forgot to check my balance before leaving home (and of course I left my phone at home, so no conveniently checking the balance).  Now, I am armed with my grocery list AND have my cash in my envelope.  I already know, THIS IS IT –all the cash I have for this shopping trip.  I will post a sample budget later that you can use as a starting point.

If you are a single mom like myself, or simply have reached your point of BROKE, BUSTED & DISGUSTED, then know from one Restyled Mom to another, you are not alone and you can do it! Don’t just have a plan, but work the plan, and most importantly –GIVE THE PLAN TO GOD.

Let the Restyled Mom community know what your breaking point was when you realized it was time to break the chains of debt.  We all need encouragement and welcome opportunities to grow in knowledge and grow together.

Sincerely,

Your Restyled Mom…who is working towards a better financial future

#TrueSelfie

In an era filled with multiple selfies, on tons of social media sites and hashtags such as #SelfieSaturday or #JustMe, followed by “like” buttons, tell me…Who do you think you are?  Can you truly answer this question? And when I say “truly”, I mean get honest with yourself. Right down to the nittrue selfiety-gritty truth.

If I gave you an envelope and told you to list on the outside how you think others see you, what would you list?

Meanwhile, inside that same envelope, on a piece of paper, how would you describe yourself?  Is it in line with how others see you? Is there a mask you wear displaying one thing on the outside, yet hiding how you actually see yourself on the inside?

For me, this was a challenge and a huge REALITY CHECK.  Over the years, how others have described me versus how I have seen myself has been an eye opener. I realized I have been my own road block standing in my way and at times, sending myself on a detour. I have suffered from False Evidence Appearing Real Syndrome, also referred to as the “F” word. You know the one… F.E.A.R.S. Be it fear of rejection, fear of yet another broken heart, or even fear of success. Yes! You read that correctly –Fear of Success –amongst a host of other things. I told you, I am looking at the nitty-gritty TRUTH!

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my days when I have to “check myself”. However, at the beginning of it all, I love my Savior, Jesus Christ. In becoming a “Restyled Mom”, I make it an obligation to remind myself that the only fear I need is the one in Psalm 139:14, which tells me that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made”. Another translation reads, “Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous –how well I know it.” (New Living Translation)

Now don’t run off and try to tell people, “God made me complex, so just accept it.” No. This is a unique complex that says you have been designed exactly how God wants you, but you have to start accepting the good parts of yourself.  It’s not all bad; I promise.  Jeremiah 1:5 points out that God knew you before He formed you in your mother’s womb.  However, you have to be willing to move out of your own way and walk in that Godly design. And if you’re sitting there thinking I have this figured out (whatever you have defined this to be)…think again. I too am on this journey with you of being a Restyled Mom and constantly praying to walk in my handcrafted, designer’s original #TrueSelfie.

Sincerely,

Your Restyled Mom…who is rediscovering her #TrueSelfie